Here lately I've been bombarded with remarks about how I need a girlfriend. Some comments have even gone so far as to suggest that I pay to sign up on sites like eHarmony and Match.com to find someone I'll be ultimately "compatible" and happy with, based on detailed levels of my life and her life.

I'm not against making such a move. However, I am not comfortable spending my money in a manner such as that. Sure, eHarmony is supposedly tried and true, but I can't see spending money for something like that.

I've decided that if anyone really wants to see me get "hooked up", they'll be willing to put some effort into it. Hence, a button:


Donate money to the "Find Skudd A Girlfriend" fund. All proceeds will go directly towards an account on eHarmony.com, and all results will be documented.

So today I was thinking. I don't know that I really mentioned my reasons for giving up on dating in detail, so here goes...

Everyone knows my disgust for money. Just because I hate it so much doesn't mean that I don't need it to live, though. While I was growing up, even today, my parents have had to struggle to make ends meet. Sometimes, this has meant wearing worn out clothing, eating sub-poverty meals (if at all), and just going without on a lot of things. I have made up my mind that I will not put my own family through that. Also, I feel that if the man of the house does not provide full financial support, it should be split equally between the couple. Right now, I am a college student. I don't make much money in the freelance work that I do, and it doesn't come in at a steady flow. There are times, like now, that I will go for months without any income at all. Sure, this is where proper financial planning comes into play, but that causes a lot of un-needed stress that can be avoided with the proper career choice and job placement. This is something that I am working on with my current status in college. Sure, I have my AAS already, but that doesn't really guarantee me much as far as a solid job. If I can't support myself now, there's no way I'd be able to support a family right now.

I'm single!

Who cares though. I'm at the point right now that I don't, to be quite honest. I've spent the last 3 years trying to find a girlfriend, and every attempt has failed miserably. I guess I've either not found "the right one" or none of the relationships I've attempted were supposed to actually happen.

So what am I going to do? It sure isn't turn homosexual if that's what you're thinking. I don't bend that way. No, what I am going to do is just sit back, let life take me where it takes me, and if something sparks up in the meantime, go with it. Otherwise, I'm not going to put any effort into a relationship.

Some of you may be thinking "I told you so!" while others are thinking "THATS TOTALLY NOT HOW TO DO IT!!".. You know what? I don't really care either way. This is my life, and this is an area of it that I can't do exactly how you may have done it. Since I'm not doing anything illegal or unethical here, it doesn't really matter what you think about it.

(By the way, this wasn't intended to be a rant.)

I don't want to feel this way,
I don't want to pretend that these feelings don't exist
But I'm aware,
yet so afraid I'll make mistakes I'll always regret,
And by the way,
would it be O.K.,
if we went our separate ways,
just to see
I don't want to hide the truth,
but I can see you through jaded eyes my faded broken gaze
It strays away,
and I am afraid that I'll make mistakes I'll always regret
And by the way,
would it be O.K.,
if we went our separate ways
Cause I can't breathe
Sometimes I think that these chains can be broken
And I can see your eyes,
your lying through your teeth and I'm aware,
this isn't fair
And by the way,
would it be O.K.,
if we went our separate ways
To see if in time the shades are drawn back again
The light reflects upon what might have been
And I will be here cause I don't mind waiting

(Sinch - Plasma)
I may have posted this before, but I don't care. It says a lot of what I have been thinking for a while.

So lately I've been having these dreams. In the dreams is a girl. I don't know her age, what she looks like, or who she might be. I just know that in the dreams, I am in a very strong emotional bond with her, what some might call love.

Sigmund Freud would probably say that I am on the verge of a point in my life that will make me content, but I'm not so sure what it is. I don't know if it is that, or if there is really some girl that is right in front of me but I can't see.

Speculate how you wish, I'm just blogging it.

Is it me or is my imagination running wild
Some things are not what they seem, no
You know I'd ask you to come into my world for a while
But I know it's only a dream

(Stir - Only a Dream)

So in my boredom, I filled out that personality profile at eharmony.com

After the greuling task of answering all those questions about myself, it told me that there is nobody for me. Really nice to know.

My name is Tim. I'm destined to be single for the rest of my life.

I sent you that email, why not tell me you got it and that you're at least thinking about it? If you've thought about it, why not respond?

If anyone has any question as to why I am posting this here, it is because I'm not sure about anything anymore, and this is the best way for me to do it right now.

There's an empty place inside that is hurting me
A place that keeps my heart out on it's own
A disconnected function of my wretchedness
That keeps me so hard pressed
It's a place where words are spoken you
will never hear
A broken bridge of lines that just won't come
An empty lung that won't give the wind
to speak at me
How far can it be from home

Why you gotta be so mean to me
Why you gotta drag me down just to make me see
You know I don't listen good and I'm always in need
So why you gotta be so mean to me

(Tonic - Mean To Me)
Think about it.

while(!myFeelings.Expressed) {

    if(myFeelings.time_known_other_person_without_telling > "1 year") {

        if(Question("Should I tell them?")) {

            ExpressFeelings();

            myFeelings.Expressed = true;

        } else {

            myFeelings.Expressed = false;

            myFeelings.time_known_other_person_without_telling += "1 more day";

        }

    }

}

So I'm a geek.. Sue me...