Do you ever get the feeling that someone has completely forgotten you exist? I have had that feeling for about the last 2 months, and it's driving me insane. I mean, what does it take to even send off a quick reply to an e-mail - something as simple as, "Hi Tim! I'm good, but I have been really busy. I wish I could write more right now, but I have to get to work. Take care!"

It really makes me sad that people don't seem to care anymore. I'm really beginning to lose faith in human kind.

Have I ever woken up this angry before? This sucks. :(

Well, I got word the other day that "My Marianne" has drifted away. Anyone who has talked much with me about the song that those lyrics are from will know what I'm talking about. Otherwise, consider this a mindless entry.

Google Search Result

If I were to have to define the word "fun", I think I would be unable to. The old addage, "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy," seems to be holding true. When friends want me to go do something, I usually pass because I'm so unmotived to do anything, or because I'm so worn out from working that I have no physical energy to do even the simplest things, or it could be that I just keep stacking the work up, thus making no room for "free time" for myself.

Well, as a result of my lack of a social life, I've resorted to video games for fun. I am now to a point, about a year in the making, where I can no longer have fun with video games. What opened my eyes to this was something that happened this weekend...

I downloaded "Battlefield 2" from an illegitimate source last week, and last Friday I decided I wanted to play it. I was astounded by the quality of gameplay, just after 1 round, so I went out and bought the game. After I got home and got it installed, I decided I wanted to play the main part of the game, which is done online with other people.

Anyone who has played a "First Person Shooter" on the internet knows what happened to me. I logged in, selected my spawn point, spawned, and almost immediately died. "It's just a glitch," I said to myself: BAM! Dead! "...okay... Maybe I'll try a different spawn point... Yay! I can m...BAM! DEAD!"

I tried about 10 different servers and realized it was just my lack of skill. So what did I do? I played singleplayer mode...or at least tried to. I was able to win the rounds I played in singleplayer mode, and finish with the gold medal, but I knew I wasn't that good. I tried a different map, and found that the AI in this second installment of the Battlefield series is just as dumb as the first. My ENTIRE TEAM, consisting of about 15 bots, captured a post and camped there. Even taking over the commander's role, I was unable to get them to move. Heck, I even tried killing my own team members, and they would respawn and camp this one post.

Needless to say, I got very frustrated with the game. I realized that I wasted $50 on the stupid thing, and I don't even want it now. This happened once before with a game called "Guild Wars". I now have over $100 worth of games that I have put, overall, less than an hour into, and that I will never play again.

Most everyone that reads this is aware that I play another game called World of Warcraft. This game started out to be very enjoyable, and I have logged well over 100 hours of overall gameplay time. I'm on my second character that has exceeded the "Level 40" mark, and I've made a lot of friends. However, there's these two element to the game that have kept me from having fun with it any further. It's the highly skewed economy and the extremely unbalanced player-versus-player ability. The first point is pretty much self explanitory, but the second point is not.

In most PvP battles, opponents are matched in terms of skill, armor, and weapons, and battles are done in a controlled environment. Blizzard has handled this by grouping players in their "tens-group" (20-29, 30-39, etc.) in a zone known as a "Battleground". The flaw in their system lies in having a queue for battlegrounds -- The queue must reach a certain point before the battle begins.

Outside of the battlegrounds, Blizzard has created "contested" zones, where players of opposing faction may attack each other. This is known as "World PvP". The problem here is that there is no level-matching, so a highly skilled, well-equipped, heavily armored level 60 can attack a basic level 20, and kill them in one attempt. Further, there is no punishment for the 60 to repeatedly attack the 20, preventing them from even moving to a different area. The only lines of defense in this case are to resurrect at the "spirit healer", use your "hearthstone", or log out.

So let's add to this $100 stack a $50 game that I pay $10 per month to play. I've wasted a LOT of money here. And what for? It sure hasn't been fun.


I suppose I've spent a lot less money on these attempts at entertaining myself. But then again, I have absolutely nothing to show for it. I've made a couple of in-game friends, but that's where it stops. Had I spent the money on gas, food, etc., to go hang out with friends in the physical realm, I would have acquired more friends, and most probably had other doors open that otherwise would not.

I'm just completely lost here now. I need fun in my life, and I really doubt I'm going to find it in front of this pile of glass, metal, plastic, and silicone.

If you want to submit some ideas to help me out, feel free to do so. I prefer to see such examples in 800x600 format, but meh. Do what you want.

I spent a good portion of 4 hours this evening in a futile attempt to redesign the Stormchaser Technologies website.

My biggest issue is that I want to have a site that looks appealing to my (potential) customers, doesn't look like it was expensive, but also is functional.

I looked at some of the OSWD templates, which is where the current SCTech layout originated from, and nothing really fit what I'm looking for. I want something original, but it's extremely hard to do "original" while maintaining the "flare" that people notice.

My layouts have been under heavy attack by many critics for the last few years. The biggest complaint is that I don't stray from the grays. This is something I'm not gifted in. I've done a couple good looking layouts in various colors, but they have not been functional. (Example 1, 2 (former SCSoft layout)) Everything else I have done has been monochromatic.

I see sites like this, this, and these, and I feel like I'm about to go insane. These people take web design to a level beyond what I am even capable of. I mean, look at this site. It's clean, multi-colored, not gray, and functional. That's the kind of look I'm going for! What have I been able to accomplish? This ugly thing that I got pissed at and gave up on. Then there's this horrid abomination that started as an OSWD template and drew closer and closer to one of my dumbed-down 2 color, mainly gray layouts. I gave up after I saw how crappy the logo and everything turned out.

I'm starving for a new look, as are my customers. They see what I've done and think, "That's his site? That plain, sterile looking thing? Pfft. Moving on to the next freelancer..."

I've been losing business because of this problem, I know it. I have nothing to show in my portfolio besides the usual basic gray layouts. My own site is very "blah". What do I have to draw customers?

It has been suggested in the past that I work in conjunction with a graphic designer. You know what's bad about that? They want money. No offense to any of you graphics guys or gals, but you all think that if you fire up Photoshop or Illustrator, you should get $100 for it. Sorry, but I don't have that kind of money. Also, you all seem to think that the customer can wait until the very last minute of the project to see their site all themed up. Sorry, there's some of your features that have to be coded in.

This is ultimately a "Catch-22". If I refer any of my (prospective) customers to another individual for the layout work, chances are they will want to take my coding work away as well.

This crap is getting old. I'm not creative in the sense of visual or audible works. I'm creative in the technical sense. It's virtually impossible to sell a client on technical creativity unless they know what I'm talking about. Nobody would buy a rotted out Ford Escort with a nice suspension kit and a blown 5.0L under the hood.

Oh, and don't get me started on my business logo... That'd be enough to make me cry.

For about the last week I've been feeling a bit "down in the dumps" over nothing. I'm getting sick of it. It seems like everything is on my bad side. I've never enjoyed this kind of feeling. I don't know if I'm just overwhelmed with everything right now, if I need a vacation, or what.

I love my job, but I don't want to go to work. I'm enjoying being single, but the "looks" and such that I get drive me insane. I'm not a hermit by any means, but I don't feel like being around people. I have to force myself to eat. I'm not sleeping well. Nearly every song I hear puts me close to tears.

I reall hope all that's causing this is the medicine I'm taking for my foot. I don't remember seeing "may cause depression" in the side-effects for it, but meh, who knows. I just wish it would hurry up and get over with, because I need to be me again. I need my energy. I need to feel good.

One of the biggest reasons this recent bad news is hitting me so hard is the fact that I never let these people know what kind of an impact they had on my life, and I never got to thank them for it.

I can't believe how much I take for granted this kind of thing! All these people who have impacted or are impacting my life, and I don't even acknowledge it.

From the time I was old enough to socialize with people, I have. My parents have allowed me to take part in all kinds of things, from church-based activities, clear up through going out with friends just to have fun. In the process, I've made lots of contacts, met lots of people, and established lots of relationships. Some of these relationships have appeared to be "bad" on the surface, but I've gained a lot of invaluable life experience from them. The many other relationships that would appear to be "good" have just kinda been blown off.

Regardless, I want to thank everyone who reads this for the impact you have had on my life. Whether I call you an enemy, a friend, or just an acquaintance, you've given me a lot of useful material to help me mature and to prepare me for the future. Thank you.

Family: You're the best. You've been by me from day #1, through thick and thin. I love you guys and you mean the world to me. Thank you for being there. Thank you for supporting me. Thank you for helping me grow.

Close Friends: You guys are equally as important in my life. When there's been problems, I've been able to count on you to listen. When I feel like just shooting the breeze, you've been there as well. Even when I treat you guys like crap, you've stuck by my side. Thank you.

Internet Friends: What can I say? You guys are all addicted to the internet, so even late at night you're there. You put up with my rants, you put up with my stupid jokes, and you put up with my rambling. You're awesome. Thank you.

Co-Workers: I spend more time with you guys than I do my own family, these days! You're all hard workers, and you put up with my crap on a daily basis. You're always there when I need to talk, you're there when I need to blow off steam, and you're there when I ask if it's time to go home yet. Even though I'm anxious for 6:00 to roll around, I love spending time with you guys. Thank you.

Enemies: You suck. You've treated me like crap, screwed me over, and/or royally pissed me off. Regardless, you've helped me learn how to deal with the crap of life. Thank you. Now go away.

Everyone Else: If I missed you, I'm sorry. You're equally as important to my life, and I appreciate the support you've given me, the interest you've taken in the happenings of my life, and the time I've been able to spend with you. Thank you.


Now, don't go getting the idea that I'm done with my life. Heck, I'm barely getting started! I expect every one of you to stick around and help me get through it. I will try to do the same. We need each other to get through this life, so let's do it! Stick around, because you're in for one heck of a ride!

Segfault at blog_id: 756

The next door neighbor came to inform me that some old friends from our old church (used to be my Sunday School teachers) were killed in a head-on car crash this morning on their way to church.

tim->StressLevel += 100;